ABC's of Character-Building: B is for BOLD

(See our Introduction to Character-Building for the story behind these great A - Z lessons!!)

“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” -- Hebrews 4:16

Everyone wants to raise children who can face life boldly and confidently. It’s such a shame when a child’s lack of confidence leads him or her pass up new experiences, or retreat into timid solitude. As mothers, when we see that happen, how greatly our hearts are distressed! But there’s also such a thing as over-confidence in children. A recent Wall Street Journal article about college graduates reported that many of them display a swaggering bravado in job interviews that alienates their would-be hirers.

The answer is to help our kids acquire a boldness that is based, not on their own capability, but on the reliability of our heavenly Father. This of course is not self-confidence, but God-confidence. And you can start cultivating this kind of boldness in your children today.

Years ago, I was with a group of women at my friend Carol’s house when one of her small children entered the room. When Carol saw him, her face lit up pleasantly and her focus left the rest of us completely. “What is it, buddy?” she asked, in a tone that contained a happy chuckle. But her real message was contained in her gaze. It said plainly, without words: “I love you, and I enjoy you.” Watching that brief interchange, I resolved on the spot that when I had kids, I’d try to have that open, inviting relationship with them.

When our children are tiny infants, they search our faces, looking for any glint of response that will embolden them to flash us their first adorable, flirty, toothless smiles. We go after those baby grins recklessly, don’t we? With our animated gestures and squeals, we look and sound like fools in the process! Yet just a little while later, deep in the business of motherhood, we can forget the importance of those face-to-face connections.
We are reckless in a different way, as we deliberately use our eye contact to convey other messages:
“Don’t bother me.”
“You are a chore to me.”
“I don’t want to be your mom right now.”
Such looks of detachment or disapproval can quench a child’s boldness. They may deeply affect how a child approaches the world – and God.

Of course, we can’t always be in love with our kids’ actions and attitudes. There are times when we will lose our composure, and watch out! Suddenly, the cozy-comfy mother hen becomes the Wicked Witch of the Nest! But when we consciously determine to make eye contact with our kids in an open and loving way, many times a day, we build moments of positive connection that form a safety net of security around our little ones’ feelings. They feel reassured of our love, so they no longer need to hijack our attention in outrageous ways. So, how can we consistently reflect God’s steadfast love? How can we mirror His constant readiness to show mercy and grace? Before we seek to model our Father’s love to our children., we need to feel utterly confident of it ourselves.

These are difficult times for many of us financially. Have you let your worries and cares intrude on your mothering opportunities today? If so, I have three words for you: go to God. Make an actual, written-out list of all your cares, and then cast them on Him, as we are urged to do in 1 Peter 5:7. When you leave your problems at the foot of His throne, they can’t distract you from the sweetness of your time with your children. Or maybe you are feeling as though your children are your problems. If you continually feel annoyed, grieved or wounded by your child’s behavior, again I have three words for you: go to God. He will comfort you and lift you up. He will give you clear action steps through His Word that will help you meet your mothering challenges His way, and live in victory, not victimization. You will find purpose and contentment in Him alone, so that you never have to seek them from your children.

We role-model confidence when we ourselves are confident, not in our own strength, but in God’s power to take us beyond our own deficiencies and give us “grace to help in time of need.” To depend on God’s love and live in it fully is the surest way to develop boldness of character in our kids. There will be plenty of times ahead when we will need to appeal to Him in the midst of our mothering. We will wear a new path to the throne room for each of the children God gives us, as we come to Him often for His mercy, and His grace.And because Jesus paved the way by laying down His life for us, God always greets us with arms open wide! He has demonstrated foolish recklessness in his quest to bring us to Himself. We can always get His focused attention. As we boldly enter His throne room via prayer, He always greets us with a welcoming gaze that says, “I love you, and I enjoy you.”

Let’s give that same look to our kids today.

Guaranteed Success in Parenting

When my children were young, I was like a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter, reading as many books as possible, watching videos, participating in Sunday School and small group series, and surrounding myself with wise counsel, all geared to have the proper tools and techniques to raise our children to have the right attitude, behavior, and character. Looking back, I was a bit neurotic about doing everything just so - so what? Perfect. Right?! I don't think so... I lost sight of the fact that time would teach me about my child's bent. Time would enable my husband and I to make a plethora of mistakes which in turn would exaserbate the problem or problems, making mountains out of mole hills. Time would show us that the key to any action plan, (in this case it was to raise healthy kids, not happy kids as the world says) is consistency and follow through. But you know as time would have it, we would get tired, angry, annoyed, impatient, lazy, and so we would switch our strategy, our game plan repeatedly, to find something that would work better. This did not work! What is working and what has worked for millions who have parented before us, is to stay with the basics - the God stuff.

I can not take credit for the following "Top Ten Countdown" - it is Dr. Kevin Leman's, but I will tell you that I wish I had seen it when my children were young. I hope you will glean wisdom from it as we have.



10. Be 100 percent consistent in your behavior.

9. Always follow through on what you say you will do.

8. Respond, don't react.

7. Count to 10 and ask yourself, 'What would my old self do in this situation?

What should the new me do?"

6. Never threaten your kids.

5. Never get angry. (When you do get angry, apologize quickly.)

4. Don't give any warnings. (If you warn your child, you're saying, "You're so stupid,

I have to tell you twice.")

3. Ask yourself, "Whose problem is this?" (Don't own what isn't yours.)

2. Don't think the misbehavior will go away.

1. Keep a happy face on, even when you want to...do something else.



If you can say that you have kept even half of these faithfully, congratulations. I have failed at everyone of these points, sometimes many times in one day. You see, you are not alone - even after 16 years of parenting, I have to still count to 10, asking myself regularly, "whose problem is this anyway?", and work hard at keeping a happy face - even when I want to beep beep beep the beep beep beep... do something else.

God is there to go before you and will meet you there where no one else can - to love that child unconditionally. As you face 2009, face it with confidence, not in yourself or your great strategy, but in a God who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He will provide what you need for your parenting, your marriage, and your life.

God bless. CRF

@ 30 Weeks

This picture describes so well of how I've been feeling lately as I have transitioned into my third trimester. I'm down 30 weeks- only 10 more to go. But the truth is, I don't know if I can stand 10 more weeks of discomfort, forgetfulness, the mood swings, etc. (You know how it goes.)

There are days where I feel overwhelmed- wondering if I can handle being a mother of four. How in the world am I going to pull that off and on top of that do it well? And there are days where I feel excited as I look forward to meeting this baby. It's so fun to find out how God unfolds the personality of this new child as each of them are so different. And there are definitely days where I watch my three children play and laugh together which bring me many indescribable joys and fulfillment.

In many ways, even through the ups and downs of it, motherhood is, I'd have to say such a blessing. Children really are a blessing from the Lord and even through the hard times, we must embrace this reality. I must embrace this truth. 

I find the hardest challenge for me to really get over is to let go. Sometimes it's so easy to get sucked up in the mode of being in control, where most of the things you do especially with taking care of little ones is just that... But there are times it's hard to let go when it comes to fully trusting God and finding peace in knowing that God is in charge of my children and not me. It's foolish- I know. But I overly worry about the safety of the kids, their future, etc. The list cannot be all listed here. I realize though, this takes practice. Because in the end, God is in control whether I "let go" or not. This is more like spiritual battle for me. Do I listen to the lies of the accuser or do I choose to live a life of victory as I find the true freedom in Christ?

New Year Resolutions - by Jill

On January 1st, my husband and I were having a wonderfully relaxing breakfast with my family until my sister brought up the topic of New Year resolutions. Instead of saying we wanted to lose weight we changed it to eat healthier and to avoid disappointment from failed long-term commitments, we avoided the topic of exercise. To be honest while eating healthier is something I strive for, both weight loss and exercise are secretly on my list of New Year resolutions. They may even be yours.

Today in my quiet time God reminded me of something that has even greater impact on our life because it effects the lives around us and is everlasting. Romans 14:12 tells us that "each one of us will give an account of himself to God." If you died today, what would your account look like? Would your account be something you would be ashamed of or one that glorifies God? You may say that God would understand what He sees because after all we live in a corrupt world. Besides how can we live in this world and not be defiled by it? Well, consider Daniel. Daniel was a man highly esteemed by God who resolved that he would not defile himself with the world around him. If he can do it, we can too with God's strength.

So, how about it? Will you make the resolution not to defile yourself? This means that we actively seek Jesus by spending time with Him in His word, in prayer and in fellowship with other Christian believers instead of focusing on the things that are on earth and obey His Spirit instead of the desires of our flesh.

Who Wants to Grow Up

'I big girl'......'I baby!' Lately these two phrases come out of my 2 yr old's mouth equally. When she wants extra cuddles, does not want to feed herself, wants daddy to carry her, does not want to clean up or just feels that her baby brother is getting too much attention, she will hug our legs and say...'I baby!'

Alternately when she wants to get in and out of her chair by herself, watch a show, stay up later than her brother, pick out her clothes, read books or anything else that the baby cannot do she prides herself in saying, 'I big girl!'

It is ironic and even comical; the duality of wanting to be a baby and fiercely wanting to be independent at the same time, but of course can lead to frustration for her and us as we never know if she is a 'baby' or 'big girl' at the given moment.

So today I had a talk with her about how happy I am that she is a big girl now. How happy I am that she can read, color, walk, talk, sing, dance, go potty, get dressed, go to sunday school, feed herself, swing on the playground and many other fun things. I asked her if she loved her baby brother - she replied YES immediately. I told her that I loved her baby brother too even though he could not do all those things she could do. Then I told her I loved her even though she was not a baby any more. I assured her that even big girls and grown up girls (like mommy) still needed a hug and a cuddle every day.

There are times I can relate to my daughter's desire to be a baby. Wouldn't it be great to have someone else take care of everything for us, work for us, clean for us, rock us to sleep, feed us, dress us and love us all the time?? On the other hand, wouldn't it be tiresome not to have the ability to voice your opinion, make decisions, go where you want when you want, become mature and to be so limited?
It makes me so grateful that I am not a baby, but am still a child...with the best Father in the world. God does love me all the time and takes care of me, yet He allows me to have a voice, make decisions and mature... all the while guiding me in His plan! What a wonderful life!!