The ABC's Of Character-Building: G is for Generous

“Give, and it shall be given unto you: good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.” Luke 6:38

My colleague at work was telling me about her granddaughter who had just started talking. “The two words Jacqueline loves to say the most are, ‘No!’ and ‘Mine!’ She says them every chance she gets-- and with such gusto!” We laughed, then I mused, “Those two words kind of sum up all of human nature, don’t they?”

We’ve all watched our own little children eagerly discover the thrill of saying “No!” and “Mine!” Actually, these are two healthy concepts that every child needs to learn. A child’s “no” is an important assertion of his personal boundaries – his right to have a say in what happens to him. And a child’s “mine” empowers him to extend those boundaries outward, into the realm of space, time and objects. Trying out these ideas is as normal a part of toddler-hood as learning to walk, and rightly so. We want our children to have a sense of what should and shouldn’t be permitted, what is and isn’t theirs.

Yet we also want to bring our children beyond the “No!” and “Mine!” mindset, to teach them regard for others and generosity. Doing this well requires laying quite a foundation first. Here are some things we can do to prepare a child to be authentically generous:

1. Establish, and keep to, a daily routine – one that includes regular times for sleep, eating, play, and small, comforting everyday rituals, such as running to greet Daddy when he comes in the door, or singing the Rubber Ducky song in the bathtub. Children, like all humans, experience the fear and tension that comes from not knowing whether or when their needs will be met. Having a routine is reassuring. It answers that fear with hope, and helps them relax in the knowledge that everything isn’t just randomly up for grabs.

2. Give a child honest choices. Acknowledge a child’s right to say “No,” but give clear rules about the times when “No” is an acceptable answer. If you phrase a command as a question – “Would you like to take a walk with me to the mailbox?” -- be prepared to accept no for an answer. Rather, state the action, and give options about how to do it. “It’s time to go to the mailbox. Do you want to walk with me and hold my hand, or push your lawnmower?”

3. Have distinct areas and objects that are the child’s alone, that she doesn’t have to share with anyone. This may just be her bed and her teddy bear, but make it clear to her that these are safe from being stolen by rival siblings or visitors. Again, this clear acceptance of her boundaries allows your little one to relax and not feel as though she has to defend her turf.

4. Deal with boundary infringements consistently. The rules should be the same for all children in the house. Older kids should not be called on to sacrifice their plans or belongings to appease a younger sibling.

You may be asking, what does all this have to do with teaching a child to be generous? If a child feels that his own needs are being met, he will be much more receptive to the idea of making another person happier by doing something, or sharing some of what he has. Once we’ve laid this groundwork, we can begin to lead our children into basic, concrete methods of giving.

This can begin when your young child is old enough to recognize and register other children's emotions. Suggest specific unselfish acts that he or she can do to help someone feel better. But – this is important – do this only when a child is in familiar territory. Within a context of comforting routine, children can feel confident that good things will keep coming their way, so they will be more apt to respond well to your directions about sharing a toy or giving their friend some goldfish crackers.

I used to do this in advance and phrase my suggestions in story form, to build anticipation: “When Jonathan comes over today, you can play with the play dough that we made this morning, then you can give him some to take home. Do you think he would like that?” If your child says an outright no, respect his wish. But if he doesn’t say no, go through with your plan, making sure to praise him. Being generous then becomes an empowering and gratifying accomplishment and a step to maturity.

As children grow older, a further way to prepare them to be generous is to involve them in an organized charity project such as Operation Christmas Child, where families fill shoeboxes with toys and treats to give to children in poor countries. Give your children a chance, and they will often make such a project their own.

One final word that my mom handed down to me: “It’s important that children know that a gift is not a gift if anything is expected in return, but that it is God who sees to it that giving is rewarded – in ways we least expect many times.”

Teaching our children generosity begins with our own generosity of spirit, as we commit to giving them what they need, and help them overcome their fear that their needs will not be met. It continues by helping them taste and know the joys of sharing and giving. Let’s give our children a great framework for generosity by teaching them that God’s generosity to us is complete, and we can trust Him to multiply our acts of giving.