ABC's of Character-Building: F is for Friendly (by Beth R.)

"A man of too many friends come to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Proverbs 18:24

Is there anything more nerve-wracking than releasing your small child into a roomful of pint-sized peers, and walking away? And which is more horrifying: when that child screams hysterically, lunges at you and fastens onto your leg in terror – or when that child lets go of your hand to totter away into the chaos and begin, really begin, the journey that will eventually separate you forever?

It sometimes seemed as though all of my own kids’ childhoods were a pendulum swing between these two extremes. From the age of about ten months to twenty (years, that is), I constantly forced myself to release each child’s hand. Then I steeled myself for one of two dreaded outcomes: either, “They can’t face life without me!” -- or – “They can face life without me!”

After they let go of our hand, our children will either recoil, or thrive… be popular, or be an outsider… fit in, or not. And as moms, we’re not sure whether any of those eventualities is, ultimately, all that good. Because they all are beyond our control. Socialization is scary. We need to give our children tools to survive the sandbox and the schoolyard. Along the way, we need to coach them to develop strong friend-making skills. What a daunting task!

The good news? As we purposefully pursue godly character development, we simultaneously set the stage for good things on the social scene. It turns out that inner character strengths are also excellent raw ingredients for good social relationships. For example, take the first five character traits we’ve explored in this ABC’s of Character Building series: [To access full discussions, posted previously, click on each character quality.]

*Angelic–When parents reflect a sense of the eternal in the everyday, children will grow up understanding that all of life is infused with meaning and mission. They’ll be able to explore their world from a foundation of wonder, security and inner purpose.
*Bold – When parents make loving eye contact -- providing a constant, reliable source of affirmation and affection -- children won’t need to form toxic alliances to bolster a starved self-image. Instead, they’ll be able to seek out healthy friendships with confidence.

*Creative – When parents celebrate their children’s innate ability to express ideas, children will come to value their inner potential. They will then be primed to appreciate others’ uniqueness as well.

*Dependable – When parents communicate the reasons behind the rules, and foster a family culture of responsibility and mutual trust, they give children a solid template for crafting balanced relationships.

*Enthusiastic – When parents help children discover and engage in favorite pastimes, those same pastimes become natural launching points for meeting kindred spirits and fostering friendships based on shared interests.

Proverbs 18:24 gives us two guiding principles to teach our kids:

1) When it comes to friends, quality is better than quantity;

2) Acceptance and loyalty are the hallmarks of lasting friendship.

If we can model these truths within our own families, we will give our kids an inner compass to apply to all of their outside-the-family relationships. We will teach them to be open and outgoing, while staying selective about whom they allow inside their inner circle. We will show them how to be friendly to everyone, yet not be victimized by anyone.

The way expectations are communicated at home sets the pattern for what children will accept, and won’t accept, in all their other social interactions. If they grow up in an atmosphere of authenticity, love, trust and respect, they won’t easily settle for anything less in later years.

Moms, our baby birds need to know that as they take their first flights into the big world, there’s always a safe and secure nest to fly home to. Their childhood will be a series of longer and longer trips away from the nest. We can’t follow them everywhere and recreate that nest in their environments outside the home – but we can keep home a safe and affirming place.

Above all, we can introduce our children to their Best Friend, and show them how our own reliance on Jesus Christ gives us fulfillment and security that can’t be provided by any other human being. Our kids observe with their hearts as well as their eyes. If Christ enriches our day-to-day life, and if His Word informs our day-to-day choices, then our kids will see in our relationship with Jesus the ultimate mark of a healthy friendship: JOY. And that may be all they need to know as they let go of our hand and walk on into the rest of their life – putting their hand in His.