ABC's of Character- Building: D is for Dependable

Therefore all things whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. -- Matthew 7:12

On a recent business trip, I mentioned that I’d left my college-age daughter by herself at home all week. “Bet you’re wondering what’s going on at your house right now!” my colleagues said sympathetically. When I said that no, actually I wasn’t thinking about that at all, they gave me those pitying smirks usually reserved for the incredibly naïve.

Many parents have given up the battle to raise dependable, trustworthy children. But I believe it’s possible. It starts with understanding their human nature, and your own. Most of us mothers have a definite set of behaviors that we expect from our kids. When they do what they’re supposed to do, we remain Mellow Moms. But when they don’t, we become Meltdown Moms! Our anger and indignation erupt in all kinds of ways. We become manipulators, exploding, threatening and nagging. Over time, our actions give this message: “Behave well, and Mom barely reacts. Behave badly, and Mom displays lots of interesting, dramatic emotions!”

In my case, my tiny tots were rather intrigued by this. For them, disappointing Mom became enticingly like taking a pull on a slot machine. Would they get simmering silence? Full-blown fury? Only one way to find out! The stakes were never that high, though, and my little odds-makers hardly ever got busted. Mom was a patsy, and they knew it.

This changed when I realized that I was basing my whole approach on a faulty premise. My kids weren’t “supposed” to be dependable at all! Romans 3:10 says, “There is no one righteous, not even one. There is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.” Translating this into Mommy Paraphrase, I read: “Little humans don’t come with a built-in autopilot for doing right --nope, not even my adorable sweet-peas! They just don’t get it. Naturally speaking, they’re little self-centered sinners who don’t care one bit about fulfilling God’s expectations for their lives-- so why should they care about mine?”

Why indeed? I realized that I was giving my kids no reasons for most of the things I was telling them to do. No wonder they resisted. The truth was, I myself didn’t know how reasonable or appropriate some of my expectations were. I had to admit that many times I just wanted my own way, for my own convenience. My own self-centered human nature was as much at fault as theirs was!

So I pared down my expectations, and curtailed those edicts that were just plain arbitrary or self-serving. Whenever possible, I gave clear instructions that included logical natural consequences or rewards: “Pick up your puzzle pieces now so they don’t get lost.” “Lay out your school things before bedtime so everything’s ready in the morning.” If my kids balked or questioned, I’d talk with them (not lecture at them) about the reasons behind the rules. And I made sure these reasons were always rooted in their well-being, safety, and happiness… in other words, in love. When they saw this, they started to behave more dependably, because they could see how our family’s routines and standards supported their own best interests.

Yes, they regularly slipped up. But I dealt with their transgressions by talking instead of yelling – admittedly far more boring than a mommy meltdown, but far less distracting from the real issues. Instead of threatening or nagging, I just imposed logical consequences, such as removing privileges (“Your puzzles are going in the closet for a week”) or charging penalties (“I’ll drive to school to bring you the book you forgot at home, but it will cost you a dollar.”)

Now there were no more emotional outbursts when my youngsters did something wrong. Instead, I let my emotions fly when they did something right. Their demonstrations of dependability were rewarded with smiles, kisses, applause, and happy-face stickers on charts.

When they got older, I gave my children more chances to set their own limits and frame their own commitments. As they demonstrated accountability for their actions, I rewarded them with greater freedoms and autonomy, as well as plenty of loving looks, heartfelt hugs and (throughout the teen years) ever-more-meaningful verbal expressions of pride and appreciation. The new message my kids got was this: “Behave dependably, and you’ll win more independence. Behave undependably, and you’ll lose some perks… plus you’ll get to have an insightful – and long – discussion with Mom!”

Kids aren’t naturally dependable. If we want ours to be trustworthy, first we have to teach them that they can trust our actions to stem from pure motives. We must model the truth expressed in Matthew 7:12 above, consistently treating them as we ourselves would want to be treated. We mothers need to be loving, respectful, reasonable, and reliable about the expectations we place on our kids. Within this framework, our children will grow to value our trust, and will be unwilling to breach it. Along the way, they’ll learn vital lessons about keeping commitments -- lessons that will help them become dependable, self-disciplined young adults, resistant to peer pressure, attractive to employers, and influential in society. More important, they will be primed to “seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33).

Let’s keep our walk with God constant, and allow Him to continually transform our human nature, so we can lead our children from a pure heart of love. In doing so, we’ll help our kids become dependable, and by our own example we’ll teach them to seek, and depend on, the God who has shown Himself so trustworthy in our own lives.