Back to School?

Back-to-school...images of apples and backpacks, of new outfits, actual clean sneakers and neatly combed hair. Childhood, in all of it's magical simplicity. Today is a back to school moment for me, but there's no going back--just terrifyingly forward. Today, I leave my beautiful 18 year old baby in a college dorm on the other side of the country. Lots of tears this week, excitement, sorting of clothes, hours pouring over photos and a small paper bag stuffed with the critical ones that somehow capture who she is and the rich warmth of life and friends that she's so afraid she'll never really feel again.
And I was just getting the hang of it--just getting that thing about slowing down, sitting on the corner of a bed, not in a hurry. I was just learning to let her see the open side of me, the one that doesn't know the answer this time. I was just getting to the part where I paid more attention to the small passing comments that I had barely heard over the years.
And it's gone! I mean, she's not gone, but her childhood is. I won't be packing her lunch. The brown paper bag line-up on my kitchen table is diminishing, and so is my sense of being needed, at least in the way I've known to be needed. Motherhood is a journey. Just when the road makes sense and gets comfortable, it turns on you and flips you around. The rules change too. Early in life you are so responsible for being the center of stability and answers. But if you know all the answers when they're 16, it makes them feel like you're closed minded and they stop listening to you. The bed time that made them feel secure as small children, can make them feel like your not responding to their lives when they're 14.
So today , just like I did when she was 9 months old and crying in the middle of the night, I pray for wisdom. We ask a God who gives us wisdom without being annoyed that we keep asking! This has been a jewel in my life; experiencing that God does not get tired of being asked for wisdom in the moment, and He gives generously!