Shortly after my husband left and his words came together in my sleep-fogged brain, I began talking to God and reminding Him whose kids were in potential danger. See, I also have 10th and 11th grade daughters who I rarely see in the morning since they are very disciplined at getting themselves to school. They leave by 7:45 AM and I roll out of bed at 8 AM. I am very proud of this accomplishment of theirs, because I love my sleep. After a few minutes I realize that my body posture is not at all reflective of my emotions and slide out from under the covers to kneel by the bed. The phone rings again and it is a friend who heard about the incident and asks if I am okay. I am praying, so I tell her that I am fine because I am praying. Shortly after, I receive an automated call from the school detailing the morning's incident and requesting that we not call or come to the school. I'm okay with this because I am still praying. I then receive a call from another mother who also has children in the school and she sounds on the edge. I don't think I do a very good job of comforting her and debate calling her back but can't quite summon up the energy to try and track down her phone number. Besides she's at the school and she'll probably see my husband and he can do a better job of comforting her anyway. He's a pastor.
As I prayed, I kept reminding God of the hours I spent wrestling with Him over possession of each of my children. I sat in my rocking chair with each of them during those precious midnight feeding hours and cried while I argued with God about who loved them more and who would care for them the best. I accused Him of not caring as much as I did, not always preventing bad things, not being kind and compassionate. Those were hard words and hard times, but today was a day when I took comfort in those times, I had already fought that fight and God had already won. My kids are His to do with as glorifies Him.
I was concerned for my children and listened for news on the radio, searched the internet, and kept the phone close, but I didn't have the paralyzing fear that I can imagine has been felt by others in similar circumstances.
Once I felt well and truly prayed-out, I got up and got dressed. I saw my husband sitting at the table and he gave me an update on what he saw. Then we heard the helicopters and sirens. He decided to once again head back to the school and called me to let me know that the news helicopters had arrived. The Assistant Superintendent made an announcement assuring parents that the students were fine, confined to classrooms, had access to restrooms and would be fed shortly. My husband saw the Student Ministries leader, Tyler, from our church and Craig, the local Campus Life/ YFC leader, at the school and called to update me.
I volunteered yesterday to take a friend to a doctor appointment. I pick her up and we talk about whether or not we are "bad parents" to be going about our day while our children are in an uncertain situation. We know that we have a great God. We agree that God is able to work this situation out to His glory whether we are standing at the school or going about our day.
I arrived home shortly after my girls and walk in to hear them telling their stories to their father. They are fine and even a little bit excited about the commotion. I pack away this incident, as I have so many others throughout their lives, so that in future I can pull it out and remind God of the many ways He has shown His faithfulness. I am not naive and I am not deceived... I know that bad things happen to children every day and that my own children are not excused from this reality. But I have a God who is a GREAT GOD and He is teaching me to trust Him. I know that whatever fate meets them on this earth, there is no one who can snatch them from God's hand... not even me.
1 comment:
You make such a good point, one that I often need to be reminded of: Our children are not in fact ours, but His and are in His amazing hands. There are so many times I am thankful for this, but others that I still am trying to wrestle them into my hands so I can hold on. Thank you for sharing and reminding me once again how wonderful it is that our children are loved by a God whose love is far beyond ours.
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